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| During his Red Sky Coven
and Drunk in Public
performances Rev Hammer likes to tell really silly jokes.
These jokes are best when heard live. Still here
are some of them, so you might get an impression. |
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Holiday in Greece
There's this man who goes on holiday to Greece. He's been
in Greece a fortnight, and he hasn't met a soul there, hardly
anybody who talks to him. So he walks into a taverna and he
turns around to a man at the bar and says: "Listen, I've been
on holiday here a fortnight and I really haven't got to know
anybody." The man turns round to him and says: "Well, my name
is Stavros." - And the other says: "Very pleased to meet you,
Stavros." - Stavros says: "You see that house on the hillside?
I built that house. With my own bare hands I built that house.
Do they call me Stavros the Housebuilder? No! - Do you see
that boat in the marina? I built that boat, with my own bare
hands. Do they call me Stavros the Boatbuilder? No! - I fucked
one bloody pig...!"
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Eric Clapton in Heaven
Eric Clapton dies. Eric has been a good guitarist, so he goes
to Heaven. At the gates to Heaven St. Peter meets him and says:
"Eric, will you be joining the Heaven Rock Band?" - Eric says:
"I've been playing Rock'n'Roll all my life. I'm looking for
a break." - And St. Peter says: "Well, come and meet the other
members of the band and see what you think" So they go up and
up and up to Heaven Rehearsal Studio number 1. On drums Mr.
Keith Moon! On guitar Mr. Jimi Hendrix! On backing vocals Janis
Joplin, Jim Morrison, Cliff Richard! Eric says: "Yeah, I'd like
to join the band", and just as he's saying this, this man walks
up and down, with long black hair, carrying a flag. He walks
up, turns round and walks back. And Eric says: "I'd really like
to join the band, St. Peter, but you must tell me: who is that
man walking up and down with long black hair and a black flag?"
- "Don't worry about that, Eric. That's just God, who thinks
he's Bono."
Miles Davis in Hell
Miles Davis dies. Miles has been a good trumpet player, but
it is an evil instrument, so he goes to Hell. And the Devil
meets him at the gate to Hell and says: "Miles, will you be
joining the Hell Jazz Band?" - Miles says: "I've been playing
Jazz all my live. I'm looking for a break." - And the Devil
says: "Well, come and see the other members of the band and
see what you think." So they go down and down and down to
Hell Rehearsal Studio 666. And he meets the other members
of the band. And there's Mr. Coltrane! On alto-saxophone Mr.
Charlie Parker! On vocals Billie Holiday and Cliff Richard!
Now Miles thinks, this isn't so bad. This is Hell, this isn't
so bad. He says: "I'd like to play with these people." So
he goes and stands over next to Mr. Coltrane, takes his trumpet
out, and the Devil goes: "One two, a one two three four. Like
a Virgin..."
Football 1
One time when England played Scotland one poor lonely English
supporter got in the wrong end. One stupid English supporter
got in the wrong end with twenty-five thousand Scottish supporters.
England scored first and the English supporter went: "Yes!!!"
And the biggest Scotsman you've ever seen walked over to him.
He said: "He Jimmie! Go get me a whisky! And to make sure
you come back leave one of your shoes behind." So the poor
English guy took off his shoe, gave it to the Scotsman and
got him a whisky. When he came back the Scotsman had shit
in his shoe. England scored again and the little English fan,
the stupid English fan, went: "Yes!!!!" And an even bigger
Scotsman walked over to him, the biggest caber-tossing Scotsman
you've ever seen. He said: "He Jimmie! Go get me a whisky!
And to make sure you come back leave your other shoe behind."
The poor English guy took off his other shoe and gave it to
the Scotsman. He got him a whisky and when he came back there
was an even worse shit in the other shoe. A horrible, steaming
one. Now England won the game 2:0 and there was much fighting
and tearing up the pitch and breaking of the crossbars. The
little English fan was leaving in the dark, trying not to
be noticed. Suddenly a television crew jumped out on him.
They said: "Excuse me, Sir!" - He said: "Shhh!" - They said:
"Have you just been to the football match, Sir?" - He said:
"Yes I have." - They said: "Sir, will you tell us, will there
ever be an end to violence at football matches?" - He said:
"Sadly, no. Not while they're shitting in our shoes and we're
pissing in their whiskies."
Football 2
When I went to my very first football match I was eight years
old and I went to see Chelsea play Tottenham Hotspur. I was
standing there in the crowd and the game had started and I
said to my Dad: "Dad? Dad! I want to go to the toilet, Dad."
- And he said: "Hold it, Son!" - And I said: "But Dad! Dad,
I must go!" - Then a man behind said to me: "Piss in that
man's pocket in front of you!" - And I said: "I can't do that!"
- He said: "You might as well, Son, somebody's just pissed
in yours!"
Billy Bragg and Dee Snider
Billy Bragg was in a hotel in New York. He was in the lift
and it was packed full with people. He looked round and next
to him and all these business men was Dee Snider of Twisted
Sister. Billy Bragg thought, you know, I'll be polite and
English, and he thought, I shall speak to him. So he said:
"Hi! The lift's very full, isn't it?" - And Dee Snider said:
"Perhaps I should get my dick out and shove it up my arse,
so there'd be more room!"
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Boom Boom Boom...
Back in the Summer a friend of mine decided to go on holiday.
He decided to fly and his plane took off from Heathrow Airport.
When he landed at the place where he was gonna have his holiday
all he could hear was boom boom boom... And he said to the stewardess
of the airline: "What is that noise that goes boom boom boom...?"
- The stewardess said: "That is the drums. When the drums stop
- it is very, very bad!" So he went in his hotel and still the
drums went boom boom boom... And he said to the hotel manager:
"What is that noise?!" - And the hotel manager said: "That is
the drums. When the drums stop - it is very, very, very bad!"
Now he was feeling a little hungry, so he went to a restaurant.
He sat down at a table and a waiter came over to him and said:"What
would you like, Sir?" - And he said: "I'd like you to tell me
what that noise is!" Boom boom boom... The waiter said: "Sir,
that is the drums. And when the drums stop - oh, that is very,
very bad!" When he went back to the hotel he went up to his
bedroom, he lay in his bed and tried to get to sleep but all
night long all he could hear was boom boom boom... And suddenly
- the drums stopped and it was all quiet. And he ran down the
stairs and he said to the hotel manager: "The drums! The drums!
They have stopped!" - And the hotel manager said: "Oh, that
is bad, that is very, very bad..." - And he said: "Now the drums
have stopped, what happens now?!" - The hotel manager said:
"Now it is the bass solo!"
Country 'n' Western Record
What happens if you play a Country 'n' Western record backwards?
- You get your wife back, you get your house back, you get
your kids back, you get your dog back...
Hank (Variation of 'Holiday
in Greece')
There's a guy in here tonight, an American guy by the name
of Hank. He told me a very, very sad story before the show
tonight. I was chatting to him in the café just down
here. I said to him, "Very pleased to meet you. My name is
Rev". And he said, "And pleased to meet you. My name is Hank".
And I said to him: "What do you do then?" He said: "Well,
do you see that building across the road? I built that with
my own bare hands. Do they call me Hank the Housebuilder?
No". And I said "Fine", and he said: "Do you see that car
outside? I built that car with my own bare hands. Do they
call me Hank the Carbuilder? No". He said: "I fucked one lousy
pig...!"
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| W i n t e r
1 9 9 5 / 9 6 |
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Bunny Rabbits
I'd like to tell you a Christmas story. This involves bunny
rabbits, quite small, furry, lovely little bunny rabbits.And
there's hundreds of them and they all live in a scientific laboratory,
where cruel and heartless men carry out cruel, nasty experiments
on them. But then one Christmas St. Nicholas says: "I'm going
to give those rabbits the best Christmas present they could
ever have!" And he opens the door of their cage and he opens
the door of the building and he opens the gates. And all the
little rabbits run out into the snow where they have snow ball
fights with the reindeer and they build little snow-bunnies.
And they run around and they're so happy! In the evening they
all lie down under a bush together and they say: "What a great
present this was from St. Nicholas!" The next day they wake
up and find that he has also given them a big pile of carrots.
And they are so happy in the snow with their carrots! Then towards
the end of the second day the biggest, furriest bunny rabbit
of them all stands up and says: "I've had enough! I'm going
back to the scientific laboratory." - And all the other rabbits
say: "But why? We're so happy here!" - He says: "I haven't had
a cigarette for two days."
Christmas Future
Well, it's the coming of Christmas and I feel it's my duty
to tell you a little Christmas story. This is a slightly unusual
Christmas story because this happened on Christmas eve somewhere
in the future on the edge of a huge Death Star. And there
stood at the edge of the huge Death Star Luke Skywalker and
Darth Vader. And they were fighting with their light sabers
and they were at it for weeks on end, going (imitates sound
of laser blades). At the end of the first week Darth Vader
turned to Luke Skywalker and he said: "Luke. Luke, I know
what you're getting for Christmas." (Imitates sound of laser
blades again). They carried on for another week, until they
were right on the edge of the endless ravine (sound of laser
blades): "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."
(sound of laser blades). At the end of the third week Luke
said: "All right. All right, Darth Vader. How do you know
what I'm getting for Christmas?" He said: "Luke, I have felt
your presence."
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1 9 9 8 / 9 8 |
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Ye
Olde Farmer 1
I used to live in London, and it's very overcrowded, it's very
dirty, it's a very expensive city, so I moved out to the county
of Devon, which is down along the west side. It's a very beautiful
county, and in the middle of it there is a huge wasteland, a
desolate area called Dartmoor, and there is nothing there except
a huge prison. Now if the prisoners want to escape, either by
digging a tunnel and going under the walls or dressing up as
a sheep and sneaking out the door - it's true - they wander
around in this huge desolate area for three or four days, and
then they come back to the prison and they knock at the door
and they say: "Please let me back in, it's terrible out there!"
So I thought this would be a great place to live. So I bought
this small shepherd's cottage, and I was happy living there,
and I hadn't seen anybody for a month. It was just me, a thousand
sheep and satellite TV - it was a primitive existence. Then
one day after I had been there for a month, there came a knock
at my door and I thought: "God! That's a clever sheep!" I slowly
opened my door, and standing there in my front garden was the
oldest, ugliest farmer you have ever seen. He was really, really
ugly. His face was wrinkled like a walnut. He had no teeth.
He had one eye - right in the middle of his forehead. Long grey
hair all the way down his back - none on his head, just down
his back. And I was scared, I said: "Hello?" - And he said to
me: "Because you're new in the neighbourhood, I'd like to invite
you to a party at my farm over the hill." - I said: "A party?
That'd be great!" - He said to me: "There'll be drinking and
there'll be dancing." - I said: "Wonderful, because I'm really
good at both!" Which isn't true. But when I've had one then
I try the other. He walked a little bit further up my path,
and he turned around and said: "There'll be some fighting, there
always is." - I said: "Fighting? No, I'm sure it will be fine.
I'm a very sociable kind of guy, I get on with most people.
No worries, I'll be there.When is it?" - He said: "Saturday
night." He walked a little bit further, up past my old gate,
and he said to me: "There'll be some wild sex!" - I said: "Really?
How wild?" - He said: "Really wild." - I said: "That's great,
because I've been alone here for a month, just me and the sheep,
a man has to do what a man has to do... I can't wait! I will
be there on Saturday night! What shall I wear?" - He said: "That
doesn't matter. There'll only be the two of us."
Ye Olde Farmer 2
During the interval somebody came up to me in the corridor
and they wanted to know what went on when I went to the old
farmer's house for the party. I didn't consider it at all
appropriate for me to divulge what happened, so I said "no,"
and they begged, so I said "no" again and they offered me
a fiver, so here it goes: I got done up in my glad rags, I
went over the hill to the old farmer's house, and there was
me and him partying in the kitchen. We drank a little scrumpy
and we danced a little tango, I drank a little more scrumpy,
and the ugly, old, worn-out faced farmer started to look damned
attractive to me. I found myself weakening. Soon we made the
way up the rickety old stairs into his bedroom, and oh...
it still excites me when I think about it now. I was there,
naked and prostrate wearing nothing but a pair of tartan [?]
sock suspenders, on his old mattress, and the old farmer,
he was there on top of me. And halfway through the evening,
while we were having a wild time, he said to me: "Is there
anything special I can do for you? You know, special." - I
said: "Really special?" - He said: "Yes, yes, yes! Really
special!" - And I said: "Well... what about a little bondage?"
- He said: "Bondage?" - And I said: "Maybe you could just
slip on these handcuffs that I brought along with me." - "Sure!"
he said. And he put on the handcuffs, he was there on top
of me and some wonderful things took place that night. In
the morning we were in the kitchen in a couple of loose fitting
kimonos, sipping cappuccino, making small talk, and he said
to me: "Last night was truly wonderful, Rev." - I said: "It
was for me, also." - He said: "I didn't realise a big strapping
lad like you would be into bondage." - I said: "I'm not really.
It's just the last time I shagged an ugly old farmer he nicked
my wallet."
Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton phoned me up the other day - this it is absolutely
true - the phone went ring ring, ring ring, and I went: "Hello?"
- And his voice went: "Rev!" - And I said: "Bill!" because
I hadn't spoken to him for a long while. He said: "Rev, I'm
really in trouble." - I said: "Really, Bill?" - He said: "I'm
in deep shit." - I said: "Bill, poor Bill. Poor Billy boy.
Poor little silly Billy boy. Tell me your problem, Bill."
- He said: "I can't talk on the telephone. The Republicans
are listening." - I said: "OK Bill. Come over to my house."
And Ladies and Gentlemen, Bill Clinton came over to my house,
with fifty FBI men, all in dark glasses. There was snow on
the ground, and to get to my house he had to go through a
thousand sheep. And Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm telling you,
he made love to every single one of those sheep! And ten of
them were escaped prisoners from the prison! He came into
my house, and I've got a very small house, there was me, Bill
Clinton, a few fucked sheep and fifty FBI men; it's very small,
so we were all crammed together, and I said: "Bill, Bill,
tell me your problem." - He said: "I'm tired." - I said: "Bill,
let's talk man to man. Sit down, Bill, we'll smoke a cigar
- one of my cigars." - And Bill said to me: "Rev, it's a disaster!
They have found my sperm on a lady's dress!" - I said: "Bill!
No!" - He said: "They have.They have found the stain of my
sperm on a lady's dress." - And again I said: "Bill! No!"
And then I said: "Bill, there is only one thing for you: you
have to tell the truth. You have to go, Bill, onto national
television and say that you, Bill Clinton, the President of
the United States of America, the world's most powerful man,
likes to wear women's clothes while he masturbates."
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| W i n t e r / S p r i n g
2 0 0 1 |
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The
Prize Cow
There was a wonderful farming family, there was a farmer and
his wife and their three sons. And they had a beautiful, a really,
really beautiful prize cow. She was absolutely gorgeous, with
amazingly long eye-lashes and these lovely dreamy watery eyes
that you could just get lost in for hours. She was a truly beautiful
animal. And one morning the farmer's wife came down for breakfast
and she opened the farm house door and she looked out into the
farm yard - and the cow was dead on the ground! Now this was
very, very upsetting for the farmer's wife, so much so that
she got the farmer's gun and she shot herself. And she lay in
the dirt next to her prize cow. You can imagine how the farmer
felt as he came down the stairs; he stepped out into the morning
air and there were the bodies of his wife and his beloved cow.
He picked up the gun and he shot himself, and his body lay down
there in the dirt. Soon you could hear the footsteps of the
eldest son coming down the stairs for breakfast. And he stepped
out into the morning air and there he saw it: the body of the
dead cow and the dead bodies of his parents. This was too much
for any son, and he held his head in his hands and he slowly
walked towards the lake where he threw himself into the icy
waters and tried to drown himself. But suddenly, like magic,
a mermaid appeared. And she said: "Stop! Do not kill yourself!
For I can bring your family back to life." - "How
can you do this?", said the eldest son. "All you need
do is make love to me five times." Well, he gave it his
best shot, but after three times his heart stopped and he drowned
in the waters of the lake. Now try to imagine the middle brother
as he comes down the stairs for his breakfast. He steps out
into the golden morning, and there he sees the bodies of the
dead parents, the dead cow and in the distance the bobbing body
of his dead brother. It was too tragic for words. He moved towards
the water and he threw himself in and tried to drown himself,
when suddenly...: "Stop! There is no need to kill yourself!
For I can bring your family back to life." - "How
can you do this?", said the middle son. "All you need
do is make love to me ten times." Oh how he tried! But
on the eighth time his heart stopped and he drowned in the icy
waters next to his dear, dear brother. Soon you could hear the
footsteps of the youngest brother. He came down, he opened the
door, he danced into the golden morning where the birds were
singing. And then he saw the dead bodies of his parents, the
dead cow and in the distance the two bobbing bodies of his beautiful,
dear brothers. He walked towards the water and he threw himself
in - and you wouldn't believe this: the mermaid appeared. "Stop!
Do not kill yourself! For I can bring your family back to life."
- "How can you do this?" - "All you need do is
make love to me fifteen times." --- "Hm." He
looked at the mermaid with her long blond hair and her beautiful
fishy flappy tail. "Fifteen times and you will bring my
family back to life?" - "Yes." - "Haha!
Why not - twenty times?" - "OK..." She was slightly
worried. "Twenty times? Why don't I make love to you thirty
times, you young mermaid!" - "OK..." And then
the youngest son looked into the eyes of the mairmaid and he
said: "Mermaid, how do I know you won't die during our
love making - like the cow did?" |
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| W i n t e r / S p r i n g
2 0 0 4 |
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Bread 'n Ducks
I was sitting in a pub about three weeks ago, just sitting
there, having a Guinness, and this duck came in. And it hopped
up onto the bar, and the barman said: "Yes, can I help you?",
and the duck said: "Have you got any bread?" The barman said:
"No, I'm afraid, this is a pub. We sell ale, we sell lager, we
sell Guinness, we sell spirits, coca cola, crisps and peanuts.
No bread." And that little duck, you know, he got down off the
bar there and waddled back off across the floor, but five
minutes later that plucky duck, he was back, and he jumped up on
the bar and said: "Have you got any bread?" The barman said:
"No, I've told you: this is a pub. We sell ale, we sell lager,
we sell Guinness. We sell whiskey, vodka, we even try and sell
this blue stuff that we've had for ten years and nobody ever
buys. Coca cola, crisps and peanuts. No bread." And that little
duck, he got down off the bar and I looked around and I began to
feel sad, I looked around at the other men in the pub and they
were looking sad as well, and soon we were crying. Rivers of
tears. And the rivers of tears were filling the pub, and that
little duck, he swam back on that river of tears, and he hopped
up onto the bar, and he shook himself down, he said: "Have you
got any bread?" The barman said: "I've told you already. This is
a pub. We sell ale, we sell lager, we sell Guinness, we sell
whiskey, vodka, brandy, champagne, wine, coca cola, crisps and
peanuts. We do not sell bread. If you ask for bread again, I
will get a nail and hammer and nail your beak to the bar." The
little duck, he got down and he swam out across the pub, and
five minutes later he came back and hopped up onto the bar
again, and the barman said: "What do you want now?" He said:
"Have you got any nails?" He said: "No!" He said: "Have you got
any bread?" |
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| D r u n k i n P u b l i c |
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The Inflatable Schoolboy
There was a rather sweet English public school boy, who for reasons of
anonymity we shall call Young Chadwick. And in many ways
as a young boy he was very similar to any other school boys of his
age, rosy red cheeks, couple of conkers and an old Danish
porn mag in his pocket, but in one very special way he
was very different. You see, Young Master Chadwick was an
inflatable public school boy, and he went to an inflatable
public school. Now one day, while he was eating his inflatable
lunch in the inflatable public school dining room, he was
handed a note, which read: "Dear Master Chadwick, please come
up and see me in my inflatable office, as soon as you
finished your inflatable lunch. Yours sincerely, the
inflatable headmaster." Now diligent Young Master Chadwick
leapt to his feet and he strolled off in his inflatable
schoes up the inflatable corridor, climbing the inflatable
stairs, knocking firmly on the inflatable office door of the
inflatable headmaster, and he moved inside in a way that only
inflatable people can, stood in front of the inflatable desk,
and the headmaster said to him: "Young Master Chadwick, this
morning your inflatable housemaster has informed me you were
seen running, running, running through the school carrying a drawing pin in each
hand. Can I tell you, Master Chadwick, not only have you let
me down, but you've let the school down, and worst of all,
you've let yourself down."
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