T R U E   B L U E  -  THE UNOFFICIAL REV HAMMER SITE
J o k e s
Jokes
 
 
During his Red Sky Coven and Drunk in Public performances Rev Hammer likes to tell really silly jokes. These jokes are best when heard live. Still here are some of them, so you might get an impression.
 
 A u t u m n   1 9 8 9
 

Holiday in Greece
There's this man who goes on holiday to Greece. He's been in Greece a fortnight, and he hasn't met a soul there, hardly anybody who talks to him. So he walks into a taverna and he turns around to a man at the bar and says: "Listen, I've been on holiday here a fortnight and I really haven't got to know anybody." The man turns round to him and says: "Well, my name is Stavros." - And the other says: "Very pleased to meet you, Stavros." - Stavros says: "You see that house on the hillside? I built that house. With my own bare hands I built that house. Do they call me Stavros the Housebuilder? No! - Do you see that boat in the marina? I built that boat, with my own bare hands. Do they call me Stavros the Boatbuilder? No! - I fucked one bloody pig...!"

 
 S p r i n g   1 9 9 0
 
Eric Clapton in Heaven
Eric Clapton dies. Eric has been a good guitarist, so he goes to Heaven. At the gates to Heaven St. Peter meets him and says: "Eric, will you be joining the Heaven Rock Band?" - Eric says: "I've been playing Rock'n'Roll all my life. I'm looking for a break." - And St. Peter says: "Well, come and meet the other members of the band and see what you think" So they go up and up and up to Heaven Rehearsal Studio number 1. On drums Mr. Keith Moon! On guitar Mr. Jimi Hendrix! On backing vocals Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Cliff Richard! Eric says: "Yeah, I'd like to join the band", and just as he's saying this, this man walks up and down, with long black hair, carrying a flag. He walks up, turns round and walks back. And Eric says: "I'd really like to join the band, St. Peter, but you must tell me: who is that man walking up and down with long black hair and a black flag?" - "Don't worry about that, Eric. That's just God, who thinks he's Bono."

Miles Davis in Hell
Miles Davis dies. Miles has been a good trumpet player, but it is an evil instrument, so he goes to Hell. And the Devil meets him at the gate to Hell and says: "Miles, will you be joining the Hell Jazz Band?" - Miles says: "I've been playing Jazz all my live. I'm looking for a break." - And the Devil says: "Well, come and see the other members of the band and see what you think." So they go down and down and down to Hell Rehearsal Studio 666. And he meets the other members of the band. And there's Mr. Coltrane! On alto-saxophone Mr. Charlie Parker! On vocals Billie Holiday and Cliff Richard! Now Miles thinks, this isn't so bad. This is Hell, this isn't so bad. He says: "I'd like to play with these people." So he goes and stands over next to Mr. Coltrane, takes his trumpet out, and the Devil goes: "One two, a one two three four. Like a Virgin..."

Football 1
One time when England played Scotland one poor lonely English supporter got in the wrong end. One stupid English supporter got in the wrong end with twenty-five thousand Scottish supporters. England scored first and the English supporter went: "Yes!!!" And the biggest Scotsman you've ever seen walked over to him. He said: "He Jimmie! Go get me a whisky! And to make sure you come back leave one of your shoes behind." So the poor English guy took off his shoe, gave it to the Scotsman and got him a whisky. When he came back the Scotsman had shit in his shoe. England scored again and the little English fan, the stupid English fan, went: "Yes!!!!" And an even bigger Scotsman walked over to him, the biggest caber-tossing Scotsman you've ever seen. He said: "He Jimmie! Go get me a whisky! And to make sure you come back leave your other shoe behind." The poor English guy took off his other shoe and gave it to the Scotsman. He got him a whisky and when he came back there was an even worse shit in the other shoe. A horrible, steaming one. Now England won the game 2:0 and there was much fighting and tearing up the pitch and breaking of the crossbars. The little English fan was leaving in the dark, trying not to be noticed. Suddenly a television crew jumped out on him. They said: "Excuse me, Sir!" - He said: "Shhh!" - They said: "Have you just been to the football match, Sir?" - He said: "Yes I have." - They said: "Sir, will you tell us, will there ever be an end to violence at football matches?" - He said: "Sadly, no. Not while they're shitting in our shoes and we're pissing in their whiskies."

Football 2
When I went to my very first football match I was eight years old and I went to see Chelsea play Tottenham Hotspur. I was standing there in the crowd and the game had started and I said to my Dad: "Dad? Dad! I want to go to the toilet, Dad." - And he said: "Hold it, Son!" - And I said: "But Dad! Dad, I must go!" - Then a man behind said to me: "Piss in that man's pocket in front of you!" - And I said: "I can't do that!" - He said: "You might as well, Son, somebody's just pissed in yours!"

Billy Bragg and Dee Snider
Billy Bragg was in a hotel in New York. He was in the lift and it was packed full with people. He looked round and next to him and all these business men was Dee Snider of Twisted Sister. Billy Bragg thought, you know, I'll be polite and English, and he thought, I shall speak to him. So he said: "Hi! The lift's very full, isn't it?" - And Dee Snider said: "Perhaps I should get my dick out and shove it up my arse, so there'd be more room!"

 
 A u t u m n   1 9 9 1
 
Boom Boom Boom...
Back in the Summer a friend of mine decided to go on holiday. He decided to fly and his plane took off from Heathrow Airport. When he landed at the place where he was gonna have his holiday all he could hear was boom boom boom... And he said to the stewardess of the airline: "What is that noise that goes boom boom boom...?" - The stewardess said: "That is the drums. When the drums stop - it is very, very bad!" So he went in his hotel and still the drums went boom boom boom... And he said to the hotel manager: "What is that noise?!" - And the hotel manager said: "That is the drums. When the drums stop - it is very, very, very bad!" Now he was feeling a little hungry, so he went to a restaurant. He sat down at a table and a waiter came over to him and said:"What would you like, Sir?" - And he said: "I'd like you to tell me what that noise is!" Boom boom boom... The waiter said: "Sir, that is the drums. And when the drums stop - oh, that is very, very bad!" When he went back to the hotel he went up to his bedroom, he lay in his bed and tried to get to sleep but all night long all he could hear was boom boom boom... And suddenly - the drums stopped and it was all quiet. And he ran down the stairs and he said to the hotel manager: "The drums! The drums! They have stopped!" - And the hotel manager said: "Oh, that is bad, that is very, very bad..." - And he said: "Now the drums have stopped, what happens now?!" - The hotel manager said: "Now it is the bass solo!"

Country 'n' Western Record
What happens if you play a Country 'n' Western record backwards? - You get your wife back, you get your house back, you get your kids back, you get your dog back...

Hank (Variation of 'Holiday in Greece')
There's a guy in here tonight, an American guy by the name of Hank. He told me a very, very sad story before the show tonight. I was chatting to him in the café just down here. I said to him, "Very pleased to meet you. My name is Rev". And he said, "And pleased to meet you. My name is Hank". And I said to him: "What do you do then?" He said: "Well, do you see that building across the road? I built that with my own bare hands. Do they call me Hank the Housebuilder? No". And I said "Fine", and he said: "Do you see that car outside? I built that car with my own bare hands. Do they call me Hank the Carbuilder? No". He said: "I fucked one lousy pig...!"

 
 W i n t e r   1 9 9 5 / 9 6
 
Bunny Rabbits
I'd like to tell you a Christmas story. This involves bunny rabbits, quite small, furry, lovely little bunny rabbits.And there's hundreds of them and they all live in a scientific laboratory, where cruel and heartless men carry out cruel, nasty experiments on them. But then one Christmas St. Nicholas says: "I'm going to give those rabbits the best Christmas present they could ever have!" And he opens the door of their cage and he opens the door of the building and he opens the gates. And all the little rabbits run out into the snow where they have snow ball fights with the reindeer and they build little snow-bunnies. And they run around and they're so happy! In the evening they all lie down under a bush together and they say: "What a great present this was from St. Nicholas!" The next day they wake up and find that he has also given them a big pile of carrots. And they are so happy in the snow with their carrots! Then towards the end of the second day the biggest, furriest bunny rabbit of them all stands up and says: "I've had enough! I'm going back to the scientific laboratory." - And all the other rabbits say: "But why? We're so happy here!" - He says: "I haven't had a cigarette for two days."

Christmas Future
Well, it's the coming of Christmas and I feel it's my duty to tell you a little Christmas story. This is a slightly unusual Christmas story because this happened on Christmas eve somewhere in the future on the edge of a huge Death Star. And there stood at the edge of the huge Death Star Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. And they were fighting with their light sabers and they were at it for weeks on end, going (imitates sound of laser blades). At the end of the first week Darth Vader turned to Luke Skywalker and he said: "Luke. Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas." (Imitates sound of laser blades again). They carried on for another week, until they were right on the edge of the endless ravine (sound of laser blades): "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas." (sound of laser blades). At the end of the third week Luke said: "All right. All right, Darth Vader. How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas?" He said: "Luke, I have felt your presence."

 
 W i n t e r   1 9 9 8 / 9 8
 
Ye Olde Farmer 1
I used to live in London, and it's very overcrowded, it's very dirty, it's a very expensive city, so I moved out to the county of Devon, which is down along the west side. It's a very beautiful county, and in the middle of it there is a huge wasteland, a desolate area called Dartmoor, and there is nothing there except a huge prison. Now if the prisoners want to escape, either by digging a tunnel and going under the walls or dressing up as a sheep and sneaking out the door - it's true - they wander around in this huge desolate area for three or four days, and then they come back to the prison and they knock at the door and they say: "Please let me back in, it's terrible out there!" So I thought this would be a great place to live. So I bought this small shepherd's cottage, and I was happy living there, and I hadn't seen anybody for a month. It was just me, a thousand sheep and satellite TV - it was a primitive existence. Then one day after I had been there for a month, there came a knock at my door and I thought: "God! That's a clever sheep!" I slowly opened my door, and standing there in my front garden was the oldest, ugliest farmer you have ever seen. He was really, really ugly. His face was wrinkled like a walnut. He had no teeth. He had one eye - right in the middle of his forehead. Long grey hair all the way down his back - none on his head, just down his back. And I was scared, I said: "Hello?" - And he said to me: "Because you're new in the neighbourhood, I'd like to invite you to a party at my farm over the hill." - I said: "A party? That'd be great!" - He said to me: "There'll be drinking and there'll be dancing." - I said: "Wonderful, because I'm really good at both!" Which isn't true. But when I've had one then I try the other. He walked a little bit further up my path, and he turned around and said: "There'll be some fighting, there always is." - I said: "Fighting? No, I'm sure it will be fine. I'm a very sociable kind of guy, I get on with most people. No worries, I'll be there.When is it?" - He said: "Saturday night." He walked a little bit further, up past my old gate, and he said to me: "There'll be some wild sex!" - I said: "Really? How wild?" - He said: "Really wild." - I said: "That's great, because I've been alone here for a month, just me and the sheep, a man has to do what a man has to do... I can't wait! I will be there on Saturday night! What shall I wear?" - He said: "That doesn't matter. There'll only be the two of us."

Ye Olde Farmer 2
During the interval somebody came up to me in the corridor and they wanted to know what went on when I went to the old farmer's house for the party. I didn't consider it at all appropriate for me to divulge what happened, so I said "no," and they begged, so I said "no" again and they offered me a fiver, so here it goes: I got done up in my glad rags, I went over the hill to the old farmer's house, and there was me and him partying in the kitchen. We drank a little scrumpy and we danced a little tango, I drank a little more scrumpy, and the ugly, old, worn-out faced farmer started to look damned attractive to me. I found myself weakening. Soon we made the way up the rickety old stairs into his bedroom, and oh... it still excites me when I think about it now. I was there, naked and prostrate wearing nothing but a pair of tartan [?] sock suspenders, on his old mattress, and the old farmer, he was there on top of me. And halfway through the evening, while we were having a wild time, he said to me: "Is there anything special I can do for you? You know, special." - I said: "Really special?" - He said: "Yes, yes, yes! Really special!" - And I said: "Well... what about a little bondage?" - He said: "Bondage?" - And I said: "Maybe you could just slip on these handcuffs that I brought along with me." - "Sure!" he said. And he put on the handcuffs, he was there on top of me and some wonderful things took place that night. In the morning we were in the kitchen in a couple of loose fitting kimonos, sipping cappuccino, making small talk, and he said to me: "Last night was truly wonderful, Rev." - I said: "It was for me, also." - He said: "I didn't realise a big strapping lad like you would be into bondage." - I said: "I'm not really. It's just the last time I shagged an ugly old farmer he nicked my wallet."

Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton phoned me up the other day - this it is absolutely true - the phone went ring ring, ring ring, and I went: "Hello?" - And his voice went: "Rev!" - And I said: "Bill!" because I hadn't spoken to him for a long while. He said: "Rev, I'm really in trouble." - I said: "Really, Bill?" - He said: "I'm in deep shit." - I said: "Bill, poor Bill. Poor Billy boy. Poor little silly Billy boy. Tell me your problem, Bill." - He said: "I can't talk on the telephone. The Republicans are listening." - I said: "OK Bill. Come over to my house." And Ladies and Gentlemen, Bill Clinton came over to my house, with fifty FBI men, all in dark glasses. There was snow on the ground, and to get to my house he had to go through a thousand sheep. And Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm telling you, he made love to every single one of those sheep! And ten of them were escaped prisoners from the prison! He came into my house, and I've got a very small house, there was me, Bill Clinton, a few fucked sheep and fifty FBI men; it's very small, so we were all crammed together, and I said: "Bill, Bill, tell me your problem." - He said: "I'm tired." - I said: "Bill, let's talk man to man. Sit down, Bill, we'll smoke a cigar - one of my cigars." - And Bill said to me: "Rev, it's a disaster! They have found my sperm on a lady's dress!" - I said: "Bill! No!" - He said: "They have.They have found the stain of my sperm on a lady's dress." - And again I said: "Bill! No!" And then I said: "Bill, there is only one thing for you: you have to tell the truth. You have to go, Bill, onto national television and say that you, Bill Clinton, the President of the United States of America, the world's most powerful man, likes to wear women's clothes while he masturbates."

 
 W i n t e r / S p r i n g   2 0 0 1
 
The Prize Cow
There was a wonderful farming family, there was a farmer and his wife and their three sons. And they had a beautiful, a really, really beautiful prize cow. She was absolutely gorgeous, with amazingly long eye-lashes and these lovely dreamy watery eyes that you could just get lost in for hours. She was a truly beautiful animal. And one morning the farmer's wife came down for breakfast and she opened the farm house door and she looked out into the farm yard - and the cow was dead on the ground! Now this was very, very upsetting for the farmer's wife, so much so that she got the farmer's gun and she shot herself. And she lay in the dirt next to her prize cow. You can imagine how the farmer felt as he came down the stairs; he stepped out into the morning air and there were the bodies of his wife and his beloved cow. He picked up the gun and he shot himself, and his body lay down there in the dirt. Soon you could hear the footsteps of the eldest son coming down the stairs for breakfast. And he stepped out into the morning air and there he saw it: the body of the dead cow and the dead bodies of his parents. This was too much for any son, and he held his head in his hands and he slowly walked towards the lake where he threw himself into the icy waters and tried to drown himself. But suddenly, like magic, a mermaid appeared. And she said: "Stop! Do not kill yourself! For I can bring your family back to life." - "How can you do this?", said the eldest son. "All you need do is make love to me five times." Well, he gave it his best shot, but after three times his heart stopped and he drowned in the waters of the lake. Now try to imagine the middle brother as he comes down the stairs for his breakfast. He steps out into the golden morning, and there he sees the bodies of the dead parents, the dead cow and in the distance the bobbing body of his dead brother. It was too tragic for words. He moved towards the water and he threw himself in and tried to drown himself, when suddenly...: "Stop! There is no need to kill yourself! For I can bring your family back to life." - "How can you do this?", said the middle son. "All you need do is make love to me ten times." Oh how he tried! But on the eighth time his heart stopped and he drowned in the icy waters next to his dear, dear brother. Soon you could hear the footsteps of the youngest brother. He came down, he opened the door, he danced into the golden morning where the birds were singing. And then he saw the dead bodies of his parents, the dead cow and in the distance the two bobbing bodies of his beautiful, dear brothers. He walked towards the water and he threw himself in - and you wouldn't believe this: the mermaid appeared. "Stop! Do not kill yourself! For I can bring your family back to life." - "How can you do this?" - "All you need do is make love to me fifteen times." --- "Hm." He looked at the mermaid with her long blond hair and her beautiful fishy flappy tail. "Fifteen times and you will bring my family back to life?" - "Yes." - "Haha! Why not - twenty times?" - "OK..." She was slightly worried. "Twenty times? Why don't I make love to you thirty times, you young mermaid!" - "OK..." And then the youngest son looked into the eyes of the mairmaid and he said: "Mermaid, how do I know you won't die during our love making - like the cow did?"
 
 W i n t e r / S p r i n g   2 0 0 4
 
Bread 'n Ducks
I was sitting in a pub about three weeks ago, just sitting there, having a Guinness, and this duck came in. And it hopped up onto the bar, and the barman said: "Yes, can I help you?", and the duck said: "Have you got any bread?" The barman said: "No, I'm afraid, this is a pub. We sell ale, we sell lager, we sell Guinness, we sell spirits, coca cola, crisps and peanuts. No bread." And that little duck, you know, he got down off the bar there and waddled back off across the floor, but five minutes later that plucky duck, he was back, and he jumped up on the bar and said: "Have you got any bread?" The barman said: "No, I've told you: this is a pub. We sell ale, we sell lager, we sell Guinness. We sell whiskey, vodka, we even try and sell this blue stuff that we've had for ten years and nobody ever buys. Coca cola, crisps and peanuts. No bread." And that little duck, he got down off the bar and I looked around and I began to feel sad, I looked around at the other men in the pub and they were looking sad as well, and soon we were crying. Rivers of tears. And the rivers of tears were filling the pub, and that little duck, he swam back on that river of tears, and he hopped up onto the bar, and he shook himself down, he said: "Have you got any bread?" The barman said: "I've told you already. This is a pub. We sell ale, we sell lager, we sell Guinness, we sell whiskey, vodka, brandy, champagne, wine, coca cola, crisps and peanuts. We do not sell bread. If you ask for bread again, I will get a nail and hammer and nail your beak to the bar." The little duck, he got down and he swam out across the pub, and five minutes later he came back and hopped up onto the bar again, and the barman said: "What do you want now?" He said: "Have you got any nails?" He said: "No!" He said: "Have you got any bread?"
 
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The Inflatable Schoolboy
There was a rather sweet English public school boy, who for reasons of anonymity we shall call Young Chadwick. And in many ways as a young boy he was very similar to any other school boys of his age, rosy red cheeks, couple of conkers and an old Danish porn mag in his pocket, but in one very special way he was very different. You see, Young Master Chadwick was an inflatable public school boy, and he went to an inflatable public school. Now one day, while he was eating his inflatable lunch in the inflatable public school dining room, he was handed a note, which read: "Dear Master Chadwick, please come up and see me in my inflatable office, as soon as you finished your inflatable lunch. Yours sincerely, the inflatable headmaster." Now diligent Young Master Chadwick leapt to his feet and he strolled off in his inflatable schoes up the inflatable corridor, climbing the inflatable stairs, knocking firmly on the inflatable office door of the inflatable headmaster, and he moved inside in a way that only inflatable people can, stood in front of the inflatable desk, and the headmaster said to him: "Young Master Chadwick, this morning your inflatable housemaster has informed me you were seen running, running, running through the school carrying a drawing pin in each hand. Can I tell you, Master Chadwick, not only have you let me down, but you've let the school down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down."

 

 
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Last update 22 Jul 2009